There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
