Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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