it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
