My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
