not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
