The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
