Who wears a wallet chain?!
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
