Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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