he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
