New invention idea: vibrating tampons
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
