i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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