It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Randomize
