I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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