Your face is a jimmy john
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
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