My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
