I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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