I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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