I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
