Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
