Having a random hookup so left but love u
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Randomize
