; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
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