Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
