i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
