buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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