its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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