1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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