Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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