pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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