I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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