It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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