It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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