I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
