is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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