No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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