his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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