I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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