nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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