Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
