I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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