I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
