Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
