I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
