i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
