I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I party with great urgency now.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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