You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I think I won the penis lottery.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
