Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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