It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
