the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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