my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
