I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We need a shit load of segways right now
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
