I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
