I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
