I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
