Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
