I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
